Difficult Conversations: A story about mindset.

I’ve been delivering many “Difficult conversations” sessions recently. It has to be said it is probably one of most feared things when I ask people what they find difficult about managing teams.

And whilst there are numerous acronyms and models to help, it can sometimes feel like there are so many, that in fact it can be a little too much.

So instead I thought I would tell a story…

Alix knew that she had messed up. The project had been going so well but she had taken her eye off the ball. She was dreading talking to her boss, remembering the last time she had been in a team when things had gone wrong. The manager at the time had come into the office and shouted “whose fault is this?”. Heads went down and people were starting to think about who they could blame. No one owned up.

Her colleague then had tried to say what had happened and was given “feedback” in front of everyone. Nothing her colleague could do after that ever satisfied the manager and eventually she left. Which was such a shame as they were brilliant, and had really helped Alix.

Now in this current role, Alix knew a difficult conversation was on the cards, and started to think about what she would say.

Ade, her manager was also considering what to say. He was preparing for a critical conversation. And he wanted to really find out what had happened and support Alix in finding out what they could do to overcome the problem and learn for the future.

He knew that it was likely to be a combination of factors that had led to the mistake, and pointing the finger of blame was likely to be counterproductive.

The time and place were set. Ade saw Alix walking towards him looking nervous. He had chosen to meet in the coffee shop near work.

“What can I get you?” he asked. Alix nervously said “Cappuccino please”. Once the drinks were bought in takeaway cups, Ade said, “lets walk as we talk”.

They set off toward the park and Ade started to speak. “Alix, I wanted to say that the project has been going so well. People are really starting to understand what is required of them and I can see the progress. I’m curious as to what happened the other day.”

Alix paused. She’d had expected the question “Why?” and had come up with all sorts of reasons and arguments. Instead, she was asked a question which helped her say exactly what had happened.

Ade listened really carefully, noting that as Alix talked she seemed more settled and less defensive. When she tried to blame something, he calmly said “I’m not looking for someone to blame as I am sure there are many factors which led to this. I’m more interested in what happened and how can we ensure we have learnt from it. Tell me more.”

She realised that Ade was interested in what she had to say and was not trying to apportion blame, which was what she had been expecting and had prepared all kind of excuses.

Alix continued to outline all that had led up to the mistake.

“What’s been the result of that?” Ade asked.

Alix was able to explain the problems that had been caused by the mistake..

“And what has the team done since then to put things right?”

Again she was able to calmly tell Ade of all that she and her team had done to ensure that the mistake had been rectified and suitable solutions put in place.

“How can we make sure that we avoid things like that happening again?”

Alix realised that Ade was looking to the future instead of rehashing what had already happened, and was supporting her to find a solution to avoiding mistakes in the future, which would help her learn and grow into the role.

As they walked back to work Alix reflected that the conversation hadn’t been nearly as bad as she expected.

****

So often I see managers who get into arguments and point the finger of blame which only leads to defensiveness and hiding of mistakes, or lack of progress towards objectives.

In my experience, it’s a story of mindset when there are ‘difficult conversations’ to be had. Here are some tips for avoiding the escalation.

• Change your mindset from “Difficult” to “Critical”. Going into a conversation thinking it will be difficult sets up barriers straight away.
• Be curious, ask questions and avoid assumptions.
• Check your intention. Is it positive or trying to blame? If it is to make you feel better, you may want to reconsider your approach.
• Ensure that you are both learning from the experience in a positive way by looking to future changes, not re-visiting the past.
• I often hear that feedback should be balanced. That does not mean the proverbial S**t sandwich. It means that when something goes well, tell them and when it doesn’t go quite so well be prepared to have that conversation. Setting this expectation up early on makes things much easier.
• Ensure that you keep the conversation objective and about the situation, not about the person.
• Setting standards and clear objectives provides clarity and ensure that in these conversations have something to put your back against.
• Tap into your empathy and consider any human factors around the event, along with anything influencing the individual when you have your conversation.
• Be prepared to receive feedback as well as give.

The challenges faced by leaders and managers today has never been greater. Managing hybrid teams and working with teams who have adapted to more flexible and remote working since the pandemic, has brought about it’s own communication challenges. If this sounds like something your team might need support with, let’s connect about Leadership Communications, and how providing some key skills can enable leaders to become more effective in helping their team thrive.